Brighter day yesterday... Today will be great as soon as 5pm gets here so I can start my weekend!! After work yesterday I took Carlie outside to blow some bubbles and swing in her swing. What's more cheerful than that??
We picked flowers and decorated Rufus with dandelions and met a new neighbor and walked around the yard to look at the flowers and plants.
I have already forgotten to water my newly planted window boxes... I need to do that before I leave for work today.
I hope to get some more yard work done this weekend between the rain.
I'll take some pic's and post.
TGIF!!!!

I laid in bed awake at 3am thinking about how dark I'm feeling. Unless your reading this, if you saw me, you wouldn t know what was going on...That's usually how I am. I can't be openly depressed....It's just not me. I consider it a weakness and I will not ever be a weak person. Recently I noticed that I have surrounded myself with strong people. I look at my friends and find that everyone that I am close to is a strong positive person who has some quality that I admire and want to have myself. I also notice that people that I consider "weak" are people that are openly complaining...mopeing or just plain stupid.
But at 3am I discovered that I've already decided my mothers going to die. I think I may be going into mental survival mode. Starting today,I'm going to make a concious effort to become positive that she is going to beat cancer and be well again. I am going to use the power of positive thinking to shove off this dark cloud. Besides.... It's spring and beautiful and my favorite time of year. Last night Henri and I came in after dark from shopping and wehn I got out of the car all I could smell was fresh cool spring night air mixed with cut grass and a hint of lilac from my neighbors huge lilac bush just starting to open...What can make you feel more alive and happy than that? From now on.... POSITIVE THINKING!....right?

Incurable. That 's what they told Mom yesterday.
How is that possible in 2008? They will try a concoction of chemo drugs to try and get her aggressive cancer into remission. Starting on a 15 week course next Tuesday. She'll loose her hair. She'll be sick. What the fuck?
Ok, so this is her path.... I understand that. But damn....this sucks buckets.
It's a beautiful sunny day out and I feel like I'm in a dark fog. I think I'll walk down to the harbor to try and lighten my mood....That usually works. more later.

I left work early today, everything with Mom just got to me and I just could'nt concentrate. She has an appointment later today with the Oncologist to find out what exactly the game plan will be for chemo and radiation. I hope Henri gets a job soon because I may need to take some time off to help her out. My head is swimming with images of the weeks/months to come. I try really hard not to mope, I truely believe in God and I know that everything we go thru here is a learning experience. I also know that there are people in the world with far greater problems than me, so I try to just be greatful for my own "learing experiences".
No matter what, I know that I'll be looking back at this time in my life eventually and saying..."Man am I glad that's over". And I know that, because I say it about alot of other rotten times I've gone thru...and I've learned. So this too shall pass.... It's just right now that sucks.
So, I'll count my blessings.
My family,My fabulously supportive friends,My job,My comfortable home,chocolate.

Weekend

I had such a great weekend... My daughter is FINALLY walking!!!
We had her marching all over God's great green earth this weekend...and she is just as proud as she can be of herself. Saturday Mom and I took our annual spring ride down rt 6a to check out the flowers and scenery. It was rainy but seemed to make all the colors pop even more.
We didn't make it all the way to Brewster as we usually do, we got to Hyannis and decided to go for lunch, then shopping. By then Mom was pooped so we headed home.
I woke up Sunday to the smell of bacon. Henri got up early and snuck out to make me breakfast for Mothers day. He came in with a card and a beautiful bouquet of roses from he and Carlie, then had Portuguese french toast, thick cut bacon and coffee.....YUM!!! Finally he told me we were going to get the flowers for my flower boxes today!!... I LOVE PLANTING MY FLOWER BOXES!!!!!!! We plated up a breakfast for my Mom, took it to her and visited for a while, then hit the road for flowers. We ended up at Wareham Walmart because they always have cheap flowers. We went to LL Bean and then stopped at Burger king for lunch took it to the Cape Cod Canal to eat and then stopped at Betty Ann's for ice cream before heading home. Henri took the lawn mower, trimmer and leaf blower to a friends small engine repair business for tune ups while I tackled dragging the potting soil out of my dilapidated garage.... It was a life threatening trip through crap, junk and scrap wood but I managed to drag the 40lb bad of WET potting soil out of the garage without breaking my neck...amazing.
As always, I overbought and had enough to plant a large terracotta planter and a small stand planter as well. It was so good to be outside and working in the dirt, The birds were going nuts in the side yard at the feeders, we have an abundance of red winged blackbirds this year. I love the sound of them. Why do weekends go so fast? I have so much more to do!!!
Back to work today....woopty doo....Happy Monday.